Me? I expected to spend a nice evening at home with my S.O. but I guess he had other plans. I asked him on Thursday what were were doing and I was merely being facetious. We found out last month he was laid off and made an agreement to not make any unnecessary purchases. I like to believe I'm a simple girl with extravagant taste. I can honestly say that had we stayed home and cuddled or watched videos or more realistically if I would have watched him play video games, I would have been OK with it. Why? Because life is full of compromises and though some people may not believe this I do have a heart and I know when things get tough you have to compromise.
Anyhow back to my original thought. I asked him what we had planned and he said "We're going to watch a fight." I thought surely he was joking with me, he had a whole big surprised planned just for me, but I know him better than that. He's not the surprise type of guy. He's direct and when he tells you he's going to do something, he does it. He doesn't sugar coat anything, for example "Honey do I look fat?" he would respond "Well that shirt didn't fit you that way last year."
I have learned if I don't want to hear the answer, don't ask the question. So when he told me about Saturday night and in my fluffy dream cloud I made up the most romantic Valentines day ever, I quickly came back to reality and realized he wasn't joking.
The next day in bed, I asked him again what we were exactly doing. He explained his friend got some free tickets and invited us to go with him and his girlfriend. He asked concerned and bothered "Why? You don't want to go?" Who am I to say I don't wanna go? Sure I will try just about anything once.
So last night we go watch an HBO Boxing after dark special (or whatever it's called). While we're sitting in the car waiting for his friends to arrive I asked him are you OK? You don't seem like yourself. He says to me "I don't want to talk about it" (pause) I said, "I understand but could you tell me what it pertains to? Is it you, me, work...what?" He answers "You, and I don't want to possibly ruin this night. I just want to enjoy it"
Now why in the hell did he think it was OK to drop a bomb like that and expect me to be like "OK, let's enjoy this evening" So me being the person that I am start to think of everything and anything that may be wrong. That I may have done NOW. There are so many things that I can think of and none of them seem enough to have a talk over.
It is now 1pm Sunday and we still haven't had said conversation. I can worry myself sick or keep studying.
After I post this I will keep studying.
I used to dream about the day he would propose but it seems the longer we are together the less likely this may be. I mean he loves me but he's not the type to think love will conquer all He's the type to say I love you, but I can't be with you I guess I'm just waiting for the ball to drop or for him to prove my suspicions wrong. In the mean time I need to take care of myself, because at the end of the day if he doesn't want to be with me (though it would hurt terribly) he does not define me or make me.
I came into this world alone and I will probably go out alone. I should be thankful to be where I am at and I need to work twice as hard to get to where I want to be career wise and in every other aspect of my life.
I have grown up over the past few years and it's very apparent to me. Years ago typing this would have brought me to tears and though I feel like crying and laying in bed all day I know life must go on and though it may feel like it, this isn't the end.
8 comments:
Hm.
I think he owes it to you to tell you what it has to with in regard to "you"
How rude and inconsiderate of him to say that to him and not elaborate in an effort to not ruin the night. I am pretty sure that it ruined it for you, but why should that matter? (sarcasm)
I would re-approach this.
If he refuses to talk to you... it is time for him to leave. It is unfair for you to have to sit there and wait for him to decide it is the right moment.
The right moment was when he opened up his big stupid mouth and brought it up in the first place.
He totally ruined my night. I felt so helpless. I wanted to get up and go cry in a bathroom stall. My eyes were filled with tears which I refused to let them run down my cheek. His friend noticed and tried to make small conversations with me "did you work today?" or "Oh that's terrible" I just said "yeah I'm a little tired in case my glossy eyes gave me away, but I'm sure they did. He even had the never to ask me "What's wrong?" I wanted to laugh and be like "are you for real?" but instead I said "Nothing" and kept watching the fight.
I want to talk to him but not now. I have a lot to do for today, tomorrow and Wednesday. If he approaches me then I guess I will stop. I'm tired of being the one to say OK let's talk about this now. I'm really good about expressing myself when I'm upset, he's not. He's probably trying to find the right words (right) whatever it may be I won't be the on chasing after him for answer...at least not now.
I would love to say, "Ignore it and handle your business and when he's ready, you guys will talk," but that is damn near impossible. I know. How you've held out this long is beyond me because I know I wouldn't be able to concentrate either.
Because you're already stressed about it, it's almost guaranteed that no matter what it is that's on his mind, it's probably gonna come out all messed up. If it's something small and stupid, you'll be pissed he stressed you out, and if it's big...
I would definitely go to him with a clear head and be like, "Listen, you may not be ready to talk about it now, but you have to understand that by being vague you're stressing me out and it's not really fair to me if you expect me to go on working and studying with this hanging over my head. I'd rather us talk and get whatever it is over with than deal with this."
Be calm, rational, and adult about it. E-mail me if you need to talk.
That's the problem Nina. I'm not calm now. I have so much to study and to do this week. This just seems like awful timing.
Thanks for the advice, it makes sense and I just need to get it done.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Awful timing. I'd love to tell you to just concentrate on studying but I know it's hard with something like that hanging on your thoughts.
You may not want to be the one to bring it up, but I think you should. It's unfair for him to leave you hanging like that.
You've got my #. Call me if you need anything ma.
Thanks Pecosa. I really need to focus. I took one exam today and now have to write up a lab report which is worth 40% of my grade. I'm not bringing it up.
Just an update, today he's acting as if all is peachy keen. I woke up at 6am to study and I heard him get up and get ready for work. He never came into the study to say anything to me. Not until my dog ran in there all hyper then he realized I was home. He was very cordial and all. I will get to this by Thursday. I'm not as infuriated as I was Saturday and I was able to push everything back in the back burner...for now.
i don't know you enough to confidently say this but you seem pretty tough to deal with it all. but even when we are tough, it doesn't make it easier to put up with senseless crap and other's thoughtlessness. still, your ability to forge ahead with things that need to be done is a good testament of your ability to deal. and with much independence. i know you will get better with time, no matter what becomes of it all. it never helps to hear that when you are in the midst of it, but you will be even stronger & more independent in the end. i'm sorry that sometimes life has to suck along the way. and this is worse than a bad valentine's. hopefully your cheer is better and better day by day.
I have to agree with Wicked on this one. Have you had this discussion yet?
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