Just when you thought things were getting better.

I know that some of the problems I find in my relationship are directly (or indirectly) my fault. Things like attitude problems, or yelling when in pain from a soccer injury. Yes you read that right. All that can be misinterpreted, and obviously it can also make my better half rethink everything that makes him unhappy with me. So after apologizing for yelling at him (I still don't remember doing this, I was in pain...most people yell when in pain) and having a not so good night sleep I wake up and try to be the better person.

I try to get close to him.

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Trying to get close to you.
Him: Don't do that.
Me: So you don't want me to get close to your or talk to you?
Him: Right

He eventually gets up and leaves the room.

Now I know he's stubborn and once he's upset it takes him a while to calm down. So after that conversation this morning I just laid in bed staring at the ceiling. Just breathing and trying to relax.

He comes back into the room and says "I will say one thing. I'm looking for jobs outside of the state, and if I find one, I'm taking it" and to top it off "I'm only telling you this so you're not surprised"

Are you kidding me?

So I said "So Im not surprised? What do you think this is?"

Him: I don't want to discuss it, it's not even about yesterday.

Ok I get it, you're upset. Apparently you're not happy. So are you done trying? Are you going to try until you find a job outside of this state? What about our house? What about all that other stuff that made me settle down with you and buy this home?

I don't know if I'm upset or if I want to cry. I feel as if there's a hole in my chest and air is just going through it. I'm going through the motions this morning because I don't know what else to do. I feel numb.

I've learned that regardless of what he decides to do I need to worry about myself, because he's not thinking about me right now.

I know I can be self destructive but I'm not trying to go down that route, and though there are days that I wish I wasn't alive, I know it's just my anger talking and that God has better things in store for me. Whether it be with him or by myself.