Me? I expected to spend a nice evening at home with my S.O. but I guess he had other plans. I asked him on Thursday what were were doing and I was merely being facetious. We found out last month he was laid off and made an agreement to not make any unnecessary purchases. I like to believe I'm a simple girl with extravagant taste. I can honestly say that had we stayed home and cuddled or watched videos or more realistically if I would have watched him play video games, I would have been OK with it. Why? Because life is full of compromises and though some people may not believe this I do have a heart and I know when things get tough you have to compromise.
Anyhow back to my original thought. I asked him what we had planned and he said "We're going to watch a fight." I thought surely he was joking with me, he had a whole big surprised planned just for me, but I know him better than that. He's not the surprise type of guy. He's direct and when he tells you he's going to do something, he does it. He doesn't sugar coat anything, for example "Honey do I look fat?" he would respond "Well that shirt didn't fit you that way last year."
I have learned if I don't want to hear the answer, don't ask the question. So when he told me about Saturday night and in my fluffy dream cloud I made up the most romantic Valentines day ever, I quickly came back to reality and realized he wasn't joking.
The next day in bed, I asked him again what we were exactly doing. He explained his friend got some free tickets and invited us to go with him and his girlfriend. He asked concerned and bothered "Why? You don't want to go?" Who am I to say I don't wanna go? Sure I will try just about anything once.
So last night we go watch an HBO Boxing after dark special (or whatever it's called). While we're sitting in the car waiting for his friends to arrive I asked him are you OK? You don't seem like yourself. He says to me "I don't want to talk about it" (pause) I said, "I understand but could you tell me what it pertains to? Is it you, me, work...what?" He answers "You, and I don't want to possibly ruin this night. I just want to enjoy it"
Now why in the hell did he think it was OK to drop a bomb like that and expect me to be like "OK, let's enjoy this evening" So me being the person that I am start to think of everything and anything that may be wrong. That I may have done NOW. There are so many things that I can think of and none of them seem enough to have a talk over.
It is now 1pm Sunday and we still haven't had said conversation. I can worry myself sick or keep studying.
After I post this I will keep studying.
I used to dream about the day he would propose but it seems the longer we are together the less likely this may be. I mean he loves me but he's not the type to think love will conquer all He's the type to say I love you, but I can't be with you I guess I'm just waiting for the ball to drop or for him to prove my suspicions wrong. In the mean time I need to take care of myself, because at the end of the day if he doesn't want to be with me (though it would hurt terribly) he does not define me or make me.
I came into this world alone and I will probably go out alone. I should be thankful to be where I am at and I need to work twice as hard to get to where I want to be career wise and in every other aspect of my life.
I have grown up over the past few years and it's very apparent to me. Years ago typing this would have brought me to tears and though I feel like crying and laying in bed all day I know life must go on and though it may feel like it, this isn't the end.
