This chick is like MacGyver!

So I read something I wasn't supposed to. Isn't that always how it happens? Men discussing women's weight. Their significant other's weights. My S.O. decided to talk about how I have gained 20lbs since we started dating. This is how the conversation went. I'm not even going to edit it.

Thinks he's too cool:
why once u get a girl she goes and gains weight on you like it aint shit

S.O.:

lol
that is like auto
Pinky gained 20 on me

Thinks he's too cool:
smh
y?
lol

S.O.:
dont know
she start cooking everyday
try to impress or something
her body was sick when I met her
but I was around her so much I didn't notice she was putting on weight

Thinks he's so cool:
then it was like pow right in the kisser!!!

S.O.:
when she gain at least it does not look as bad as other chicks. I didn;t notice until she could not finish all our 100 yard sprints

Thinks he's too cool:
Man girls are funny like that

S.O.

yeah
Girls are funny like that.

I started thinking about if women (or I ) that love our men sit around and talk about their imperfections to our girlfriends. I wonder sometimes if they even have a clue that they are NOT the same person we met when we first fell in love. Like take for example, he used to LOVE holding my hand when we first started dating. Now? ha! It's like we're in middle school "we're in public" yeah, and? or other intimate things that I can totally just put on blast on here...but I won't. Why? Because I'm better than that. Also because I wasn't supposed to read this. Moral of the story? You dig (and I didn't even dig) you find. Voila!

Keeping my eye on the prize

I've been praying a whole lot since Sunday. More than usual. Unlike my prayers as a teenager "please make me pretty" or "Lord, if you grant me X I will stop lying to my parents." I have evolved and matured into a pretty wonderful young lady. My prayers now a day are for guidance, understanding and acceptance for the things that make no sense to me but are his will. My soul is at ease today.

Though my future at times seems uncertain, I am at peace.

Here's a recap of my week thus far.

Sunday, I injured my ankle during a soccer game. Scared out of my mind, I get carried off the field like a cavewoman...Over my S.O.'s shoulder. If I wasn't in so much pain I would have laughed. I think I may have through the tears. Something happened in between that time and the time I got home....Fight/Argument. Let's fast forward through that. I'm working on me right now.

Monday, tension at home. My dog still loves me, thank God for pets unconditional love. I had to make a tough decision and drop a class. I hate dropping courses but worse I hate failing at anything. I'm retaking the course in the summer. I need to get through this class. Microbiology, you may be the death of me...or not.

Tuesday, woke up feeling a little bit better. Prayer helps!

Side note: Funny how I spent so many years angry with God. Wondering why did you take their lives and not mine? It took me a while to understand that surviving wasn't my punishment but a gift to live my life to the fullest. Everything happens for a reason.

Back to today. It rained while I was on campus. Of course I didn't have my umbrella. I still felt good. Almost as if something inside of me knows it is going to be OK. I noticed my attitude or reaction to my "situation" at home has a positive impact on it all. I really can't let this consume this. I can only be me.

I felt like writing something random today, though I have many thoughts. Just to share that I do feel better today and thanks to those of you that have had kind words for me, wonderful emails and text messages. I'm going to review and study right now, since I dropped one class I need to ace the other one that I'm still registered for. The labs are going to be a piece of cake (thus far). Regardless I hope you guys find yourselves in a happy place today and if not think of one and get there quick. Life is too short to be upset. Funny coming from me right? What can I say, you live, you learn.

Just when you thought things were getting better.

I know that some of the problems I find in my relationship are directly (or indirectly) my fault. Things like attitude problems, or yelling when in pain from a soccer injury. Yes you read that right. All that can be misinterpreted, and obviously it can also make my better half rethink everything that makes him unhappy with me. So after apologizing for yelling at him (I still don't remember doing this, I was in pain...most people yell when in pain) and having a not so good night sleep I wake up and try to be the better person.

I try to get close to him.

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Trying to get close to you.
Him: Don't do that.
Me: So you don't want me to get close to your or talk to you?
Him: Right

He eventually gets up and leaves the room.

Now I know he's stubborn and once he's upset it takes him a while to calm down. So after that conversation this morning I just laid in bed staring at the ceiling. Just breathing and trying to relax.

He comes back into the room and says "I will say one thing. I'm looking for jobs outside of the state, and if I find one, I'm taking it" and to top it off "I'm only telling you this so you're not surprised"

Are you kidding me?

So I said "So Im not surprised? What do you think this is?"

Him: I don't want to discuss it, it's not even about yesterday.

Ok I get it, you're upset. Apparently you're not happy. So are you done trying? Are you going to try until you find a job outside of this state? What about our house? What about all that other stuff that made me settle down with you and buy this home?

I don't know if I'm upset or if I want to cry. I feel as if there's a hole in my chest and air is just going through it. I'm going through the motions this morning because I don't know what else to do. I feel numb.

I've learned that regardless of what he decides to do I need to worry about myself, because he's not thinking about me right now.

I know I can be self destructive but I'm not trying to go down that route, and though there are days that I wish I wasn't alive, I know it's just my anger talking and that God has better things in store for me. Whether it be with him or by myself.